When Dark Clouds Gather

Depression is one of those subjects that people tend to shy away from, but I prefer to bring it into the open. I think that I am one of the lucky ones in that my depression periods do seem to be controllable, in fact sometimes I welcome them as I become more creative during these moments that tend to last one or two days.
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So clearly I don’t suffer as so many do but it still changes the course of how I think and act and often I find that I’m putting a mask on, not because I’m ashamed but because I don’t want to affect others. I often think of it this way, I see a dark forest ahead of me and there is a path that is lit up going right the way through, this path meanders like a river through a valley, so you can never see very far but as long as you stay on the path then you get to the other side safely. When I do my most creative work, I have 1 foot in the darkness and 1 foot on the path.
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My fear is stepping off the path and walking into the darkness because I do have an urge to do that sometimes.
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When all is said and done, depression like most things must affect us all differently, and as I’ve already said I am aware that mine is at least controllable, but it is there all the same and sometimes it feels very much like I’m drowning in emotion. Other times it feels like there is no emotion left and I think others will recognise that trait more than the first one.
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For the most part as an individual I am really happy and it is hard to think what triggers off the sudden mood changes, there is no one big thing but more a series of smaller issues that can sometimes morph into something larger. Last year was an awful year for me with the breakup of a long-term relationship and ill-health following and later my business crashed through neglect but during that time I cant really remember being depressed, maybe ill but not what I would call in a dark depression. Ironically through some emotional problems I am on the border of depression now. I can feel dark shadows invading and although this is likely to pass quickly it can be a bit scary.
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I think the message in the short article is really to reflect on the fact that any one of us can feel this and I think that most of us do at some point. It is never enough to tell someone to buck up and get their ideas together, we have all that in place. For me it is about having space and the ability to express myself and this prevents the darkness becoming overwhelming but do not think for one minute that every smile or joke tells the true story.
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Andy Beveridge

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