Thoughts

Most of my life I have been a caring person and attracted people into my world who needed me for something. This with a few exceptions was the same in romantic relationships too. I am an empath and naturally listen to others who would gravitate towards me and unburden themselves. For the most part I have been happy to do this even though it can take its toll.
It was natural also for me to move towards a more professional role as a counsellor and psychotherapist although I later realised that the training was benefiting me as I came to terms with my own childhood memories.
I was often involved in relationships that slowly fizzled out when the original problem had been solved and as I say with a few exceptions this was a repeated pattern. I began to slowly feel that was all I had to offer. A constant flow of people stopping by for guidance but moving on once they came to terms with their issues. In truth helping others can make me feel lonely.
For many years I have suffered bouts of depression and for the most part I am able to embrace them and take advantage of the creativity that feeds off them. Sometimes they are deeper than others and I never know which type will happen as they all form in the same way.
In the last year, I have not had many of these deeper ones but they have been replaced by something else. These new feelings are not depression but are still disturbing. I can only describe them as an overwhelming feeling of sadness that comes in like a wave. They last 10 to 20 minutes and it’s all I can do to stop myself weeping.
I am sure the roots lay in my childhood and these emotions are little more than suppressed energy. It is strange because it often sweeps over me when I see couples together that appear in love or are happy and I don’t like feeling sad in those moments because I genuinely want people to be happy.
This has got me reflecting on my life and I do wonder that despite the fact that people see me in the caring role whether I might be the one that needs the rescuing. Rescuing is a strong word and perhaps I really mean that I need to be able to have a degree of support myself and finally talk through past issues that are still holding suppressed emotions which are slowly and surely leeching into my daily life.
I may have been escaping them all along in the guise of helping others. After all, while I am listening or dealing with other people’s problems I am in reality escaping or ignoring my own.
Perhaps I needed fixing as much as I wanted to be the fixer.

Andy Beveridge

 

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