An Acceptance of Blame

My earliest memory of my Mother was when I was three years old, in fact she is my earliest memory. I remember trying to hold her hand and I never forgot the pain that gave her, although I can’t pretend that I understood that then.
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Her illness had already been with her for two years and her joints were already swollen and stiff. To cuddle or touch was painful and as a loving Mother that must have hurt her in other ways too
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As the next few years drifted along I learned to show affection in other ways. I wrote about her and did chores. I can’t pretend that it hurt me not give my Mum a cuddle because I didn’t know any different, but I do know it carried a legacy long into my adulthood. In fact it is still with me today.
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You see I learned to love but in a none-tactile way and I can now see the problems this has caused. I show my love for someone by supporting them, by buying gifts, by protecting them and throughout the years I have kidded myself that this was enough. It was never enough and I know that now.
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I avoided embracing even when it was what I so badly wanted to do. I felt awkward all the time in being demonstrative. I made excuses like “It’s just the way I am” and “I show how much I care in other ways” All the time of course I am starving that person of their basic needs.
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I slowly without knowing squeezed the life out of relationships, even though I loved with all my heart the very footsteps that person made.
The fact that my last relationship lasted 16 years is testament to just how strong our bonds were, but even then the process was only slowed up and the rope that held us together became too thin in the end and finally snapped.
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I am saddened by this because I had more control than I thought and could have put this right within myself, but it has taken to this point to understand this.
So many times in our lives it becomes easier to blame others or place barriers up to protect ourselves when in fact that very act will always lead to our own pain and that of the people we love.
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My Mother is not to blame, she loved me as much as anyone could and her illness was not her fault. My partners who I have let down are not to blame for it is I that never met their needs. It can only lay on my shoulders for not allowing myself to face what I already knew.
When I think of the countless people I have helped in a professional or friendship manner it seems strange that I could not look into my own issues and face them head on.
I guess as long as I exist, then for my own part lessons can still be learned.
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Andy Beveridge

 

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